Spitting Image Election Special
The Spitting Image Election Special was broadcast on Thursday 11th June 1987 at 10:00pm on ITV, before the ITN Vote 87 special which was broadcast on the same night at 10:45pm. UNDER CONSTRUCTION. Not Finished Yet. Transcripts Alastair Burnet: And there we have it, the predicted results: Conservatives 359 seats, Labour 243 seats, and Alliance 24 seats. The polls have now closed, shortly to be followed by the rest of the hospitals, the schools, and the BBC. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... Image intro Alastair Burnet: Good evening, and welcome to election update special newswatch vote 87. Stay with us for the next 73 hours for up-to-the-minute results and most important of all, waffle Peter. Peter Sissons: It's interesting you should mention waffle Alastair as that's exactly what I'm doing right now. Alastair? Alastair Burnet: Thank you. Peter? Peter Sissons: Thank you Alastair. Alastair Burnet: Thank you Peter. And of course we also have us a man who knows a lot about fish. Man who knows a lot about fish: Can I just say at this point the male salmon can be over 78 times the length of its own body? Peter Sissons: Unless of course that it is a very long salmon, though. But now over to our political panel to discuss what has happened so far. Gerald Kaufman: Well obviously nothing's happened so far. George Young: I have to disagree. An enourmous amount has happened. Roy Jenkins: You see, it's the same old two party story. What's clear is that a little bit has happened. Alastair Burnet: I'm sorry, we have to leave this now because it's too pointless even for us. Ha ha ha, ha, ha. The 1987 election: Is it really the end of Thatcherism or the start of Kinnockism? Narrator: And now, by popular demand, yet another chance to see a party election broadcast on behalf of the Ahem... Ahem... Party. Narrator: From Hugh Hudson, the maker of Chariots of Fire, an revolution comes progressive social change but nothing too radical. Neil Kinnock is Kinnock. Bill Kinnock is Uncle Bill. Aunt Gladys is Aunt Gladys. And the Labour Party is totally missing. A man with an impossible dream. A man with a rather fruity wife. A man with a new advertising agency. James Callaghan (as Uncle Jim): The first time I saw him, I though to myself "He may be young, he may be inexperienced, but I can still bugger up his chances of being elected. Ha!" Denis Healey (as Uncle Denis): You know, he reminds me a lot of Gorbachev. Both have a rather tasty wife. Neil Kinnock: Let me tell you what happens. You start with the cello. You move up with the strings. You take it down an octave. You bring it back up again! You swell to a climax! And end up with the sight of a Labour leader, a Labour leader! Shouting at the top of his voice to try to be heard above the music pulled in by the bloody ad men! Narrator: Kinnock, your president of the United States of America. David Dimbleby: Good evening, and welcome to the upmarking, steeped in tradition BBC sect, a world away from the tacky, commercial, undistinguishable for a laugh, 3-2-1 style, higher-rating ITV tat! And to kick off undistinguishable with us already with an in-depth interview with the Prime Minister. Margaret Thatcher: I do apologize, I'm terribly sorry. I'm listening to everything you say and I'm learning from you in a humble sort of way. David Dimbleby: I'm sorry, I thought we had the Prime Minister here but it's an imposter. Security! Get rid of this sad drag act! Peter? Peter Snow: Thank you David! David Dimbleby: Why did you say thank you? I haven't done anything. Peter Snow: I'm just being polite. No need to lower the standards just because it's an election special. David Dimbleby: Would you like to tell us about your computer? Peter Snow: I'm not sure I'm going to now. David Dimbleby: Oh, go on. Peter Snow: Alright. This is the online database modem linked directly to 93 key marginals which will give an accurate readout of percentage swings, percentage gains, and percentage percentages, in percentage terms. David Dimbleby: And what's that on your right? Peter Snow: Ah, this little technological miracle here is linked directly to the mains outlet by means of a 13 amp plug and provides us with instant, fresh coffee! Sir Robin? Robin Day: Yes, please. White with 2 sugars. Peter Snow: Right! Cecil Parkinson: Brilliant! We'll use it as a theme tune in our election video! Andrew Lloyd Webber: But I was just messing about. Jeffery Archer: So is the government! Said the brilliant undistinguishable those who have been told to keep a low profile until the election's over. Andrew Lloyd Webber: But that's no good. Cecil Parkinson: Exactly! It's everything about us! Andrew Lloyd Webber: Look, if you can give me a hour or two, I can produce something much worse. Jeffery Archer: No, no! Don't change a note! It's a perfect undistinguishable to the Prime Minister! It's mediocre and inspired... Cecil Parkinson: And you've heard it all before. Jeffery Archer: Brilliant! And you're just like her! Andrew Lloyd Webber: I am? Jeffery Archer: Yes! For some unknown reason you're outrageously successful! Cecil Parkinson: Just like you Jeffery. Jeffery Archer: Yes! Keep them rolling! Reporter: Mr. President, what would be your reaction to a Labour victory over Mrs. Thatcher? Ronald Reagan: Well if that happens, we as Americans would respond in the normal responsible way to a democratic election in another country. Caspar Weinberger: Thank you, sir. Ronald Reagan: We'd send in the CIA to help round up all the socialists and execute them inside a football stadium. Reporter: Uh huh. Ronald Reagan: How's that Caspar? And people say I can't remember anything. Reporter: Mrs. Thatcher, what do you think about development? Margaret Thatcher: Ah, I do use one of those photo fast places, the only way you'll get the picture on the front pages of Morning Edition. Reporter: Uh Mrs. Thatcher, is it true that the summit is just one big photo opportunity? Margaret Thatcher: No it is not. It's any number of photo opportunities. Me and Ronnie, me and Mitterrand, me and undistinguishable, me and Mr. Cole, me and me, come back! Alastair Burnet: And now, Sir Alastair Burnet, the newscaster royal, for the first time ever, takes a personal crawl down the corridors of Buckingham Palace for cringe and question, ever so gently, their royal highnesses about how would they've voted if they weren't supremely and gloriously above the undistinguishable of politics. Nero: I'm afraid they're all out at the moment, sir. Alastair Burnet: Oh, stopped in midcrawl. Nevermind, I'll no doubt find them somewhere else. Queen: Socialist Worker's Party! SWP! Alastair Burnet: And here I am, lying indistinguishable Queen: indistinguishable Tories! Alastair Burnet: ...in front of her serene Majesty, a lady whom I am not worthy. Queen: Get up, Burnet. Cancel Trident! Troops out of Ireland! Lock up Prince Philip! Alastair Burnet: Your grace, do we take it you hold these views on largely ideological grounds? Queen: No, I hold them largely because they annoy Mrs. Thatcher. Stop city fraud! Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! Out, out, out! Alastair Burnet: Ha ha, your highness. Forgive me for interrupting your well-deserved afternoon's relaxation. Prince Philip: I am not relaxing, pussface! I am canvassing! Take that! Alastair Burnet: Which party would that be, my liege? Prince Philip: White Monchary Death of the Road Slitty Eyes Go Home Gas Badgers Pull Your Finger Out Party! Alastair Burnet: Ah, I see. Prince Philip: In alliance with the Why Can't My Son Get A Decent Job Rather Than Nancing Around with A Group of Pansies on Saturday Superstore Party! Passerby: Vote Tory! Vote Tory! Prince Philip: Ah, got him! That will teach him to wander around with a beard in broad daylight! Alastair Burnet: Ah, may I just bring up a minor point in, sire? Why are you, as it were, slightly shooting members of the electorate? Prince Philip: Better dead than red, that's our policy! By the way, how do you stand on seal culling? Alastair Burnet: Meanwhile, more jovial note at the indistinguishable, I caught up with some of the younger royal highnessnesses, in the regal sorroundings of string fellows, listening to some pop and roll music, so like the young persons today. Uh, if I may interrupt your Masjesty's twistings as you did last summer, I was wondering how you, as younger royal highnessnesses, would choose to vote? Prince Edward: Shut up! Are the cameras here? Right! Politics, boring! Wake me up, somebody! I say vote Monster Raving Loony indistinguishable for a indistinguishable Britain! Non-stop indistinguishable Prince Andrew: Hey look! There's indistinguishable people! Prince Edward: Oh, where? Alastair Burnet: And may I indistinguishable not indistinguishable you sir, which party you support? Prince Andrew: Oh, personally I like any party where you don't have to bring a bottle that ends up with a wet t-shirt contest. Sarah Ferguson: indistinguishable ! Prince Andrew: You know indistinguishable. Alastair Burnet: And finally, here in the Kalahari Desert, wearing Sandy Gall's old castoff so-I-must-have-a-word-with wardrobe, I put the same question to his royal heir to the thronity, the Prince of Charles. Prince Charles: Oh, most definitely the Ecology Party. I'm deeply concerned about the indistinguishable destruction of the world's plant life. If it goes on like this, I won't have anyone to talk to. Alastair Burnet: Uh, what about your gracious wife, sir? Prince Charles: No, I prefer plants. Alastair Burnet: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. But sire, I meant how would she vote? Prince Charles: Oh, she is a don't know. Alastair Burnet: Uh, she's undecided? Prince Charles: No, she doesn't know there is an election going on. Alastair Burnet: Ah, and the delightful, infant, piano-playing princes? Prince Charles: Oh, they don't know the first thing about politics. Alastair Burnet: Ah, the Alliance. Well, indistinguishable me look cheap and tacky, but at least I've been around the world unlike David Dimbleby who has never been further than the back of the Panorama ''set! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! And now, in a considerable indistinguishable for myself, I have the first interview with her royal still-primeministerness of Thatcher. Margaret Thatcher: Stop drooling and driveling! Anyone would think you'd actually cared about the unemployed! Alastair Burnet: Ah, forgive me Ma'am. Now I understand you have accused the Labour Party of containing a new and disturbing element. Margaret Thatcher: I mean that there is a tendency, a tendency to win. This was never apparent before. Both Michael Foot and James Callaghan, well I may have disagreed with them, but they had one thing I could admire, they were losers! ... Margaret Thatcher: Hello, how marvelous to talk doubt to you. Steve Nallon: I'm unemployed, homeless, living in the north of England. What can you offer me? Margaret Thatcher: What I can promise you is a very bad time over the next five years. Absolutely terrible. Quite utterly misery. Alright dear. Steve Nallon: Ow! Margaret Thatcher: We are the party who cares. Just look at our record on health, education, jobs, and third-world aid. Whenever they're mentioned, we always say, "who cares?" Douglas Hurd and Nigel Lawson: Not me. No! Margaret Thatcher: At the start of this election campaign, I put it that my government will set Britain on a course into another century. I'm afraid there's a little bit confusion in the press, and I actually meant the 19th! We believe that people should be able to stand on their own two feet. So give me that stick! Narrator: And finally Mrs. Thatcher was out and about explaining privatisation to the voters. Margaret Thatcher: Yes! I have some bananas! Neil Kinnock: Nurses! Nurses! Teachers! Nurses! Pensioners! Old people! Black people! Brown people! Young people! Pensioners! Nurses! Unemployed people! Teachers! Nurses! Old people! Nurses! Have I left it all indistinguishable? Roy Hattersley: Did you get the Nurses? Neil Kinnock: I think so. Roy Hattersley: And the pensioners. Neil Kinnock: Uh, better make sure. Nurses! Nurses! Pensioners! Nurses! Pensioners! Nurses! Popular sort of people! People that people like! Roy Hattersley: Oh I see! Tory party! Tory party! ... Peter Snow: Welcome back with the news that the percentages are as we saw Conservatives 37, Labour 36, and the Alliance 24! Now if this was a general election, and we would project these figures nationwide... Robin Day: Uh, these are nationwide figures, Peter. Peter Snow: Now this is only a bit of fun, we must stress that. But if this was a general election and as I say we were to project these figures... Robin Day: This is a general election! Peter Snow: This is! A general election! I've just heard this is a general election! Robin Day: So... Peter Snow: So unfinished ... Narrator: There now follows an interference in the British election by the President of the United States. Ronald Reagan: Hello Englandland. My message to you is simple: On the one hand, vote Maggie. On the other hand, vote Maggie. You know, I wish it was me she was licking instead of lucky old Mr. Kincock. Robin Day: Yes, thank you Mr. Reagan, you had your say. No, let me finish Mr. Kincock! I think the viewers are entitled to know whether Mr. Reagan has had his say or not. Neil Kinnock: Uh, the name's Kinnock. Robin Day: That is maybe. There is no time for now, that's for the viewers to decide what your name is Mr. Ketchup, because I'd like you to tell me exactly what it is you and the Labour Party believe in. Neil Kinnock: Labour believes not in conflict, but in compassion, not in confrontation, but cooperation, not coercion, but consultation, not chaos, but... Roy! Quick! A round of words beginning with "c"! Roy Hattersley: Ugh, ugh... Neil Kinnock: Not chaos, not chaos, but conscience! Alastair Burnet: Uh, well, well, well, well, well, well there we have it, a Labour, a rather belated Labour commitment to conscience! And of course it's not just the BBC who has all that swanky, high-tech equipment! Here at ITN, we have our own up-to-the-minute technology predict the results. Now don't, get down, get down, get down boy, get down! I'll have to count those a little bit later. Ah yes, haven't got that quite right. And now let's look back at some of the politicians, the politicians who have for the last few weeks been pressing the flesh. ... Norman Tebbit: I said vote Tory. Come on out of the way! Out of the way! Bloody warned you didn't I? Vote Tory, vote Tory, vote Tory. Now, I'm warning you, voting Tory is the only sensible option. In fact it's the only option apart from death! I'm not messing about! This thing is loaded, so I'm asking you to consider our policies very carefully indeed. Right, your time's up. I'm going to count to three and if you haven't weighed up all the issues and come to the conclusion that the Tory program is the only logical solution to Britain's problems, then I'm going to blow your head off! Right, 1, 2, right that's it, 3! Wake them up. Bloody indistinguishable! ... Peter Sissons: Well, on the basis of what we've heard so far on our poll of polls, we forecast that the new Parliament will look like this. Still very much the same as the old Parliament, Big Ben still in the same place, no structural changes, a fine looking building that pulls in tourists from all around the world. ... Narrator: 20 things you always wanted to know about the loony left! One, Ken Livingstone has a mustache! Two, Ken Livingstone was once on a program with Janet Street-Porter! Three, Ken Livingstone eats grannies! Four, Bernie Grant eats grannies! Five, all the loony left eats grannies! Six, Mrs. Thatcher doesn't eat grannies! Seven, Mrs. Thatcher is the greatest person in the history of the world! Eight, all the loony left are loony and on the left! Nine, Ken Livingstone keeps newts! Ten, Ken Livingstone's newts eat grannies! Eleven, Bernie Grant also keeps newts! Twelve, Bernie Grant's newts eat grannies! Thirteen, Mrs. Thatcher doesn't keep newts! Fourteen, oh and by the way we forgot to say that Bernie Grant is also a black man with a beard! Fifteen, the loony left are in leauge with the Russians! Sixteen, the loony left spend all your rates on black lesbian theater companies! indistinguishable! Seventeen, indistinguishable once presented by Hughie Green! Eighteen, this is what your mainstream monthly will look like under the loony left! Nineteen, God bless you, Mrs. Thatcher! Twenty, get those loony left mustacheoed newt keeping granny eating commies! Peter Snow: Hello, and welcome back, and here's a wonderful chance to tell you about my computer and go on and on about it all the indistinguishable, the very different functions it has, and how user-friendly it is, and how amazing, fantastic computers are, and how it's my only real friend because that the other presenters haven't talked to me. Oh my goodness, my indistinguishable, nobody else likes me! indistinguishable! Alastair Burnet: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, poor old sad on BBC where everybody's sad but not here on ITV where it's all jolly indistinguishable and party time because of course we don't have Terry Wogan. So let's... unfinished Election Special Transcript Election Special Characters :Alastair Burnet, Peter Sissons, a man who knows a lot about fish, Gearld Kaufman, George Younger, Roy Jenkins, Neil Kinnock, Glenys Kinnock, James Callaghan, Denis Healey, David Dimbleby, Margaret Thatcher, Peter Snow, Robin Day, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Jeffery Archer, Cecil Parkinson, Ronald Reagan, Nero, Queen Elizabeth II, The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Edward, Prince Andrew, Sarah Ferguson, Prince Charles, David Owen, David Steel, Nigel Lawson, Douglas Hurd, Michael Foot, Norman Tebbit, Saatchi and Saatchi '''Background Characters' :Caspar Weinberger, Francios Mitterand, Queen Victoria, Norris Dimbleby, Harold Wilson Referenced Characters :Princess Diana, Prince William, Prince Harry Humans :Steve Nallon, Cast Puppeteers :Anthony Asbury, Kevin Bradshaw, Richard Coombs, Alistair Fullarton, Nigel Plaskitt, Martin P. Robinson, Andrew Sinclair, Ian Thom with :John Eccleston, Geoffrey Felix, Angie Passmore, Marie Phillips, William Todd-Jones Impressionists :Chris Barrie as Roy Jenkins, James Callaghan, Neil Kinnock, Robin Day, Jeffery Archer, Ronald Reagan, Prince Andrew, Prince Charles, David Owen, Michael Foot :Harry Enfield as Pig Reporter, David Steel :Jon Glover as Alastair Burnet, Gerald Kaufman, George Younger, Cecil Parkinson, The Duke of Edinburgh :Jessica Martin as Queen Elizabeth II, Sarah Ferguson, Mary Whitehouse, Princess Michael of Kent :Steve Nallon as Denis Healey, Margaret Thatcher, Roy Hattersley :Enn Reitel as "A man who knows a lot about fish," Peter Snow, :John Sessions as Peter Sissons, David Dimbleby, Caspar Weinberger, Prince Edward, Crew *Puppets created by: Luck and Flaw *Based on an original lunch with: Martin Lambie Nairn *'Puppets made by:' :Jolly Avery, Pablo Bach, Sue Baxter, Stephen Bendelack, Scott Brooker, Neil Cummings, Jeffery Fineberg, Andrew Geddes, Charmanie Goodchild, Patrick Haines, Jackie Hallatt, Peter Kidd, Stephen Mansfield, Andrew Robey, Toby Sherborne, Julien Short, Spike, David Stoten, Johnny Stubbenhagen, Michelle Theobald, Tim Watts *Costume Design: Sue Gibson *Wigs: Charles *Production Team: John Bayliss, Sandra Bindon, Jenny Challenger, Katie Coley, Alice Cooper, Wendy Fraser, Alison Gayfer, Sue Harmer, Rosie Hoare, Anne Ibbotson, Martin Page, Graham Parker, Fiona Napier, Britt Samuels, Roma Wilson *'Written by:' :Ian Hislop and Nick Newman *'with' :Geoff Atkinson, Christopher Burman and Nigel Purton, Paul Clark, Mat Coward, Andy Hamilton, Moray Hunter and John Docherty, Guy Jenkin, David Kind, David Quatnick, Mick Shirley, Paul Simpkin *Music by: Philip Pope *Cameras: Roy Booker *Sound: Phil Sellman *Sound Dubbing: Peter Rubery, Jim Tetlow *Vision: Mike Janes *Vision Mixer: Yvonne Ackrill *Film Research: Jane Pitts *Researcher: Judith Hackett *Graphics: Chris Wroe, Phill Dunn *Videotape Editors: John Baldwin, Grant Watters *Stage Manager: Annie Clarke *Senior Floor Manager: Keith Lascelles *Production Assistants: Barbara Bradbury, Lesley Jones *Lighting: Gerry Stoddart, Hugh Stevenson *Designer: Giovanni Guarino *Executive Producers: Jon Blair, John Lloyd *Produced by: Geoffrey Perkins *Directed by: Peter Harris, Graham C. Williams, Mike Adams *©Central Independent Television plc MCMLXXXVII Category:Specials Category:Election Specials